Wow. It still hasn't hit me yet that in 4 days, when I move to San Francisco, my life is going to completely change. Shouldn't I be scared or nervous or excited or relieved or happy or sad or anxious? Tell me why I don't feel anything. When I move, I'm going to be something that I've never been before...... alone & on my own. But everyone has to grow up sometime, right?

Time to start packing.

I just interpreted last night's dream. I evaluated all of the symbols and basically, my dream was telling me of my desire to cling on and/or live in the past. But other things represent my energy, effort, encouragement and motivation. I have this new drive to succeed in life, and someone/something may be a "pushover," holding me back from this. Symbols represented my efforts to achieve my goals, ambitions, and material gains. I either need to take things one at a time, or I need to take a chance and take the first step towards my goals or dreams. Either way, I need to stop living in the past. I need to cleanse myself of the past and move on. Yep, sounds about right.

I can't believe it took me a month and a half to print out a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, and take it to the post office. It's so NOT worth a suspended license and a misdemeanor.

I'm pretty sure that I'm an adult now... and even though you've been an adult for longer, I don't need you telling me what to do with my life. I think about things often enough in my head to know what I'm getting myself into. So please let me live my life how I want, because I have never told you how to live yours.

I'm the kind of girl who, in my head, makes bad things out to be 75% worse than they actually are. Half of the things I worry about and anticipate never even end up happening. I'm realizing that my life may hit a few speed bumps here and there, but it's not the end of the world. It never is. All you can do is pick yourself up and move forward, with whoever wants to move forward with you. Because things change and friends leave, but life doesn't stop for anybody. I'd rather enjoy it than feel sorry for myself.

It's been almost 4 years that I've been on this thing, and it's a trip and a half reading through all of my previous posts. I can remember exactly who I'm talking about and what exactly I felt. It's crazy to think about how much things have changed, how much I'VE changed. But no matter how much everything changes, I seem to always come to the same conclusion: wanting to leave, needing to grow up, hoping for a fresh start.

Recently, I thought I found my happy place. I had everything that I could ever ask for, plus more. Great friends, great boyfriend, an amazing job, a supportive father, and a plan. But like usual, all of that slipped through my grasp before I was even able to fully enjoy it. It's amazing how quickly you can go from having everything to feeling like you have absolutely nothing. That's where I am, at the bottom... and as strongly as I feel about wanting to just crawl under a rock and live there for the rest of eternity, this is where I need to pick myself up and put my life back together.

I need to change. I need to grow up. And in order to do this, I need to be scared. I need to be put out in the real world, on my own. I need to just leave for awhile and get away from everyone, everything. I need to figure out who I am.

Hopefully I find my new beginning in San Francisco today.
XOXO

Hold your head high gorgeous;
they will kill to see you fall.

Basically, I've decided EXACTLY how over everyone and everything I am. I know I've said this before, but the camels back definitely just broke. I'm ready to live my life! I'm tired of always having to watch out for other people, when nobody watches out for me. I'm tired of constantly butting heads with these people I call my "friends". I'm tired of having to ask to do something before I do it. I'm just not myself. I've always been an independent one, until now. After living here for 18 years, I feel like I'm suffocating. As much as I'd like to call this place "home", I'm ready to look for a new one. I'm definitely considering moving to San Francisco sooner than later. It's time to move on with my life. Bigger and better things are waiting for me. I don't need to constantly go out or be around a million people to be happy. I know exactly what I want and where I'm going. So don't ask me why you don't hear from me or why you never see me anymore. From now on, I'm doing my own thing. I'm doing ME. You don't like it? I don't care. Stop worrying about my life, and do something productive with yours. Because you and your opinion don't mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G to me, :).

No matter what, you can never make EVERYONE happy. For some reason, that's just how life goes. So instead of trying to satisfy everyone and do what everyone else wants you to do (which I've learned ends up being wasted time and effort,) live for yourself. Go with your heart and act upon what you think is right. Make the one person who will always be there for you happy: YOURSELF. If you're happy, the people who truly love you should be happy for you too. And if they're not, then they're not worth it anyway.

I don't need you or your high-school drama. I'm not saying I'm a better person because I graduated, I'm just saying that I've grown up. I've realized who and what is, not only important, but worth it. & honestly, you're neither of those. We've been in each other's lives for a long time... but that's not what should keep people together. The thought of having someone who's been there for so long just not be there anymore, it's kind of scary. But it happens... it's life. And I will be better off without you. The only people I want to be in my life are the ones who actually deserve to be there. The ones who treat me like an actual human being and an actual friend. Because if you think about it, you haven't really BEEN there. You haven't proven yourself. When I think about it, you haven't benefited me in any way, shape or form. You just use me and then throw me out when it's not convenient for you anymore. And I deserve better. Maybe we can reconcile later on down the road but right now, I'm moving like the speed of light, and I don't need anything to slow me down. I'll talk to you when you catch up ♥.